Grief Changed Me

Who I Was Before Grief Changed Me

Trauma and grief have profoundly changed my life. Before experiencing deep loss, I never truly considered what it would feel like to lose my parents. Life was good. I was focused on my career, my own family, and all the fun times—trying to balance the normal challenges: marriage, work, finances, social commitments, traveling, and simply enjoying life.

Then everything changed.

My dad passed away, and before I even had time to process it, my mom was diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma. We immediately shifted into full-time caregiver mode, barely stopping to breathe. The weight of responsibility was staggering. My parents lived on over three acres, and after Dad died, I took over the yard work for Mom on top of my own. I helped to manage vet appointments and the care of their two dogs while also working full-time, taking care of my own ten animals, and trying to be present in my marriage. The exhaustion was suffocating.

At the time, I coped in the only way I knew how—by drinking too much and pushing forward through sheer willpower. But no matter how much I did, I still felt guilty, as though I wasn’t doing enough. Mom, ever the fiercely independent woman, refused help unless absolutely necessary, which only added to the emotional weight. As her chemo treatments progressed, my sisters and I (along with the help and support of our significant others) rotated staying with her overnight, ensuring she was never alone. We watched her try to grieve my dad while simultaneously facing her own terminal illness. I still can’t fully comprehend what it must have felt like for her—fighting cancer without the partner she had loved for over 30 years. In the end, she was too tired to even enjoy the things she loved most - coffee, true crime podcasts and reading. Instead, she preferred to watch HGTV on an endless loop because she didn't have to think or use her brain while watching it.

Losing her in May 2023 was devastating. It wasn’t just grief; it was the overwhelming reality of what came next. Handling her estate, finding homes for her dogs, and emptying out the house felt never-ending. Even though she had everything in order, the sheer magnitude of settling her affairs drained me. Cleaning out a lifetime’s worth of possessions is a task that no one is truly prepared for.

Grief and Trauma Can Change You

Grief and trauma don’t just affect your emotions—they alter who you are at your core. Scientific research has shown that major traumatic events can rewire the brain, impacting memory, emotional regulation, and stress responses. The brain's amygdala, responsible for processing emotions, can become hyperactive, making individuals more sensitive to stress and anxiety. The prefrontal cortex, which helps with decision-making and emotional control, often weakens, making it harder to process emotions rationally. This is why trauma survivors often feel disconnected from themselves, struggle with emotional regulation, or experience heightened reactions to stress.

Before losing my parents, I was a people-pleaser. I put everyone else’s needs ahead of my own, constantly striving to make others happy. After experiencing so much loss, I feel like I have nothing left to give. The patience and compassion I once had are now in short supply. I’ve hardened. I don’t want to take care of anything or anyone but myself. I think it’s a side effect of having cared so deeply for so long—there’s just no more energy left for anything beyond survival.

I’ve also become much more pragmatic. I see life as a series of actions and consequences, and I find myself less inclined to sympathize when people feel stuck—I just want them to take action to change their situation. I know it's not always as easy as changing your behavior, but it's hard for me to be sympathetic of that these days. This shift is stark compared to who I was before, but I recognize that this is where I am in my healing journey, and I need to embrace who and where I am.

Coping With Trauma and Finding Yourself Again

If you’ve been through trauma or major loss, you probably understand how disorienting it is to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself. The things you used to care about may no longer seem important. Your energy, interests, and even personality may shift. And that’s okay. Grief rewires you, and healing takes time. Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way:

1. Give Yourself Permission to Change – The person you were before loss is gone, and that’s not a bad thing. Growth comes from pain, even if it’s not a transformation you wanted.

2. Set Boundaries Without Guilt – If grief has made you less tolerant of people-pleasing, lean into that. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to prioritize yourself.

3. Find Healthy Coping Mechanisms – I turned to drinking to numb my emotions, but that only compounded my exhaustion. Finding healthy outlets—whether it’s therapy, exercise, journaling, or creative expression—makes a difference.

4. Acknowledge Your Trauma Responses – Losing compassion or patience doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you a person in survival mode. Recognizing these changes can help you work through them instead of letting them define you forever.

5. Reconnect With Yourself – Trauma can make you feel like you’ve lost yourself. Take small steps toward rediscovering who you are now. Try new hobbies, spend time alone, or even consider writing about your experiences.

6. Accept That Healing Isn’t Linear – Some days will be better than others. There will be moments of peace and moments where the weight of loss feels just as heavy as it did on day one. That’s normal.

7. Understand the Science of Healing – Research shows that engaging in mindfulness, meditation, or therapy can help rewire the brain’s trauma response. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) have been particularly effective for trauma survivors in helping process deep emotional wounds.

8. Seek Community – Isolation can deepen the impact of trauma. Finding support groups, whether in person or online, can help you feel understood and less alone in your journey.

Moving Forward

I don’t want to be the person I was before grief, but I also don’t want to be stuck in this hardened version of myself forever. My hope is that, through healing, I can regain some of my compassion—without returning to the people-pleasing tendencies that once defined me. I’m learning that it’s okay to change, to protect my energy, and to build a life that honors my own needs.

If you’re navigating grief and trauma, know that you are not alone. The person you are becoming is shaped by the love, the loss, and the lessons you’ve endured. And while you may never be the same, you can still find a way to move forward—one day, one step at a time.