Finding Happiness in Grief: Letting Go of Guilt and Embracing Healing

Finding Happiness in Grief: Letting Go of Guilt and Embracing Healing

Grief is an unpredictable journey. Some days, it feels like a heavy weight pressing down, making it hard to move forward. Other days, a moment of joy sneaks in—a smile at a funny memory, a laugh with a friend, or a glimpse of something beautiful—and then, just as quickly, guilt follows. How can I feel happy when they’re gone? Shouldn’t I be mourning?

These questions used to haunt me. I felt like allowing happiness into my life was somehow dishonoring my parents, as if my grief was the last remaining thread connecting me to them. But the more I sat with these feelings, the more I realized something important: my parents wouldn’t want me to stop living my life. In fact, they’d want the opposite. They would want me to embrace each day fully, to find joy, to keep moving forward, even while carrying the love and loss of them with me.

“Grief and love are conjoined, you don’t get one without the other.” — Jandy Nelson

My parents lived a life packed with love, purpose, and adventure, even though it was cut far too short. By their early 20s, they had three kids. My dad retired in his late 40s, and my mom, after dedicating decades to raising us and supporting my dad as a military wife, went back to school and built a career in accounting. While I wish they had another 30 years or more, I remind myself that they lived fully, more than some ever do. Their lives weren’t measured by length alone but by the depth of love, experiences, and memories they created.

So why should my life stop because theirs did? I've struggled so much with every side of this question. I truly didn't believe that I deserved happiness in my new world. How could I be happy with so much loss.

Giving Yourself Compassion and Grace

One of the hardest things about grieving is the expectation—whether from ourselves or from others—that grief must look a certain way. That if we’re not crying every day, if we dare to laugh, if we go on a trip or enjoy a sunset, we’re somehow doing it “wrong.” But there is no right way to grieve, and there is certainly no expiration date on how long we should feel sorrow.

Give yourself permission to feel joy. It doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten them. It doesn’t mean you’re moving on. It means you are carrying them with you into a life they would have wanted for you. Instead of guilt, try to replace that thought with a reminder: I am honoring them by living well.

Be kind to yourself. If a friend came to you and said they felt guilty for laughing after losing someone they loved, what would you say? You’d probably remind them that their loved one wouldn’t want them to suffer forever. Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer to a friend.

Practical Steps to Release Guilt and Embrace Healing

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings Without JudgmentInstead of pushing away feelings of guilt, recognize them. Say to yourself, I feel guilty, but that doesn’t mean I’ve done something wrong. Grief is complex, and feeling happiness doesn’t erase the love you have for those you’ve lost.

2. Create a Ritual to Honor ThemSometimes, guilt comes from feeling like we’re leaving them behind. Find ways to keep their memory alive in your everyday life. Light a candle, write them letters, cook their favorite meal, or share their stories with others.

3. Talk to Someone Who UnderstandsWhether it’s a friend, a therapist, or a grief support group, talking about your emotions can help you process them. You are not alone in this journey.

4. Engage in Activities That Bring You JoyDo something that makes you happy without guilt—go for a walk, dance to music they loved, take a trip, start a new hobby. If happiness feels foreign at first, start small. Let yourself enjoy simple pleasures without self-judgment.

5. Remind Yourself What They Would Want for YouWould your loved ones want you to live the rest of your days in sadness? Or would they want you to find joy, to create beautiful memories, and to embrace life in their honor? My parents, despite their short time here, lived fully. And I know without a doubt that they would want the same for me.

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” — J.K. Rowling

Letting Go of Guilt: A Deeper Reflection

It’s easy to feel like happiness is a betrayal of our grief. But in reality, guilt is just another form of love—it’s love looking for a place to go. Instead of allowing it to weigh you down, use it as a reminder of how deeply you cared. That love doesn’t disappear just because they’re gone. It lives in you, in your memories, in your actions, and in the way you continue to honor them.

A helpful practice is writing down your thoughts in a journal. When you feel guilty, write down what triggered that feeling. Then, counter it with a reminder of what your loved one would have wanted for you. Over time, this practice helps reframe guilt into something more constructive—an acknowledgment of love, rather than a punishment for living.

The Beauty of Carrying Them Forward

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. Happiness doesn’t mean I miss them any less. Living my life fully doesn’t mean I am moving on—it means I am carrying them with me in a way that honors them. I find them in the laughter of my siblings, in the lessons they taught me, in the strength they instilled in me. And I know, without a doubt, that they wouldn’t want me to disappear into my grief.

If you’re struggling with guilt over finding happiness after loss, know this: you are allowed to heal. You are allowed to smile, to laugh, to find joy in life again. Your love for them isn’t measured in sorrow; it’s measured in how you carry their legacy forward. It’s okay to keep living. It’s okay to embrace happiness.

“What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” — Helen Keller

Finding Happiness in Grief isn't something that will happen immediately, but it will happen eventually. Because love doesn’t end with loss—it transforms. And so do we.